There are many times I try to type something on this orange background. Sometimes there are stuff, sometimes is a blank. I have feelings but these are feelings I am unfamiliar with and when I finally figure out what are all these about, I am too afraid to type it out. I was afraid that I will scare him away if he read this or that I will hurt him. Not neccessary negative stuff but just stuff that could be overly-passionate and as time went by, the feelings might have already dissolved or engraved in me that I don't even realise is there.
I am a simple girl, who has no big ambition in life. I am always happy and satisfied because I am always well-provided, which could also explain why I have not much ambition in life. That doesn't mean that I dream of becoming a housewife and spend my husband's wealth. In fact, I think it is such an unfair statement for all the housewife in the world. My mum is a housewife and I could not understand all her fuss about ironing and giving us fresh clothes all the time. Until one day, she told me she just wanted us to feel "comfortable". Maybe I have being "clean and fresh" growing up, I do feel a compromise now that I don't get fresh pyjamas everynight - I just want to save some water.... All right, I only do my laundry once a week. I begin to understand her intuition, intuitively - is not something I could explain by words, is something that only come to you only when it wants to - when I saw him, so helpless in his cooking and his room.
I learnt alot this few months. I have to go through the agonizing process of finding a job, scaring myself so much, planting so much doubts and negative thoughts, but I was blessed that this job somehow landed on my lap out of no where.
I have also learn what a relationship really means. While I have never envision relationship to be like having moonlight dinners - i remember this was the first words he accuse me of - I didn't expect myself to be so emotionally attached and sensitive all over.
They say during the festive season, you will miss your family the most. Perhaps I don't have the habit of spending Christmas and New Year with my family, plus the fact that I just saw them, but these 2 weeks, I miss my girlfriends in Singapore/Malaysia the most. I have missed the very rare gatherings where everyone will get together and it happens almost like once a year.
Perhaps if Santa Clause really exist, I wish that I can have my family and girlfriends with me once a month for the rest of my life no matter where I am.
Posted at 1/3/2007 11:15:34 pm by zinny
